Healthy Social Media Use for Families
By Sara Davy, Maternal Wellness Coach and Catherine Ockenden, Social Media Consultant
Picture this: You are on your laptop in the kitchen checking emails. Your son is in his room playing an online game. Your toddler is lying on the couch watching kids YouTube on the IPad, your partner is upstairs on their phone, and has been for the past hour. Suddenly, some device rings in the background and you wonder, ‘where could THAT be coming from?’.
Does this sound like a familiar scenario in your home? Everyone seems to be on some kind of device, all the time. You remember going out for family outings, celebrating holidays, playing in the park and creating memories away from the internet and social media. It WAS a big part of your lives, but now it seems like a distant memory. The online world has really taken over your household.
But do you know the actual health repercussions of too much screen time on families? We are going to take a deep dive into the way that social media and the online world can affect parents, kids and teens. And it’s a lot.
Are we spending too much time online?
In this study parents of children aged 5-18 reported spending slightly less quality time with their kids than they spend on their phones.
Sociologists, media theorists and technology experts have argued that digital technology is distracting us, resulting in negative social and emotional consequences.
Social scientists have coined the phrase ‘technoference’ which describes how technology interferes with social relationships. The most important relationship is, of course, being with our children. And the negative consequences of ‘technoference’ for babies and young children can be quite life-altering, including impaired emotional well-being, parents missing bids for attention, less positive interactions, poor child behaviour, delayed language development and even an increase in child injuries.
What behaviour is this teaching our children? When we are unable to be fully present with them for more than a few minutes because we need to keep checking our phone this is showing them that whatever is on our phone is more important than them. It can also make a rod for our own back when they get older and we ask them to concentrate at school or on a particular project, if they have been learning from us that it’s ‘normal’ to check the phone regularly, we can’t really blame them for wanting to do the same or having shorter attention spans. They learn from us so we need to be the example of healthy social media use. We need to be teaching them that the real world is where to find genuine connection and create real relationships rather than relying on gratification from strangers online.
And when it comes to the way that social media apps are built, there are a lot of parts built into the apps which aim to keep us on the platforms for as long as possible. The way that news feeds are built, makes them addictive to the user as the more you interact with content that you like, the more of that will be shown to you. And it’s rewarding in this way.
Apps like TikTok use a technique called ‘machine learning’ which, according to IBM.com is a branch of artificial intelligence (AI)and computer science which focuses on the use of data and algorithms to imitate the way that humans learn, gradually improving its accuracy. After regular use, picking up your phone becomes routine, and in some cases, can become secondary to speaking to people IRL (in real life).
Why would you try and find common ground or make the effort to understand what your child is saying, when you can get that instant hit of gratification from social media, which will show you exactly the sort of content that interests you!
The struggle of being present
How would you like your children to remember their earlier years with you? How would you feel if you missed their milestones such as first roll, first steps? Children are taking in so much of the world in those early years and they notice things such as always looking at the back of the phone in front of Mum’s face or Dad looking at his phone while they are telling him about their day. Children mimic our facial expressions and will get more benefit from seeing our full expression rather than one that is half blocked by a phone. In order to teach them how to make deep connections with people and how to communicate properly, we need to set the example of person to person communication. There are some things that just can’t be learnt in the online world.
We often hear about meal times being the one time of the day when everyone is home and can catch up with each other, therefore, it is an important part of the day. Often for the partner who has gone to work during the day, they can make the most of this time by engaging in conversation and bonding with their children before they go to bed. It also encourages mindful eating when people are not distracted by their phones and this in itself is a healthy habit to get into for all sorts of reasons.
When you search the web on ‘how to be more present with your children’, number one is often, ‘put away your phone or your device’. Even the casual blogger or micro influencer is well aware that to fully engage with your children, you need to put phones and devices away. BUT who out there has the willpower and self control to do this consistently?
And then there’s the elephant in the room: If you are a vlogger, blogger or influencer you NEED to be online for a large proportion of the day. Let’s examine three strategies from the web that are aimed at helping parents:
This article from Huff Post suggests this.
1.) Put away the screens, multitasking and other distractions and spend quality one on one time with your child, giving them all of your warmth and attention. Set a timer for anywhere between 15-60 minutes. Until that timer goes off, bathe your child in your pure attention, warmth and love. Let your child choose what he or she wants to do, and simply go with their flow, offering your observation, encouragement, warmth and love. You will feel connected to your child, and able to focus on them in nourishing ways, while also nourishing your own need for connection.
An article from parents.com lists this strategy:
“Step Three: Hide your Phone”. Just being around an electronic device can be detrimental, says Kristen Race, Ph.D., founder of Mindful Life, an organization that trains parents, schools, and businesses to practice mindfulness. “Even hearing a phone vibrate makes your brain go someplace else,” she explains. Dr. Race suggests starting small. Put your phone in a drawer during meals. Stick it in the glove box for short car trips. Leave it at home when you all walk the dog and, instead, you could suggest listening for five different sounds along the way, pointing out five different things that are blue, or checking out the cloud formations. Dr. Race says, “You need to look for ways to carve out airplane mode for your family.”
Dailydad.com affirms the above ideas:
“Time to put the phone away”
They deserve phone-free time from you. You deserve phone-free time with them.
Try to limit your dependence on your smartphone as much as possible. Get a landline at home so you’re not carrying your cell phone around the house. Stop using your phone as an alarm clock. Charge it in some inconvenient place so it’s out of sight, out of mind. Commit, in the mornings for instance, not to check your phone for your first thirty minutes after waking up. Or put it away from dinner until the kids’ bedtime. Whatever. Make up some rules that give you phone-free time—that give your kids phone-free Dad time.
The verdict: Would any of this actually work?
If your job is centred off line entirely or you have the option of unplugging completely when you get home these strategies are probably more likely to work. However, if you own or co-own a small business, you will be aware that you need to have a consistent social media presence nowadays to be a fully formed brand. Physically distancing yourself from your phone obviously would work to an extent. But can you switch off completely? Knowing how many notifications you will have when you regain your phone again?
Bonding time with our children - are they getting enough?
Those precious care moments such as feeding your child, changing their nappy, dressing or bathing them etc. are all opportunities for bonding with your children. They are the times when your child is vulnerable and relying on you for meeting their needs so if you are looking at your phone or watching TV then this interferes with that connection. If you are wanting a deep bond with your child then we suggest not having the phone on you at all during these times so you can be fully present with your child in these bonding moments.
Bonding times with you children can really be in any moment of any day, it could be in the story they want to share with you, in helping you cook dinner or in morning cuddles in bed. It is therefore super important to be mindful of your phone use so that you don’t miss an opportunity with your child in a moment when they are seeking connection with you.
What is more important? The phone or bonding time with your children? Our children grow so quickly and therefore if we spend too much time on our phone we could look back one day and feel like we missed out by not being fully present.
Here’s what Plunket.com has to say:
Ways to help develop a loving relationship with your child
It’s really important to:
spend time with your tamariki – they need your attention and your guidance
talk to your child or baby, and listen to them when they reply, whether they do that with movement, sounds, or words
tell them and show them you love them often
smile at them and laugh with them
touch them - massage and tickles are a great way to connect
cuddle, kiss, hug and be gentle with them
copy their sounds and gestures as they start to learn language.
listen to them
tell them what you’re doing and feeling
talk lots with them about what is happening and their emotions
support them to explore their environment
help them learn to be patient
play with them – it lets them know they’re important to you and is a great relationship builder
say sorry when you make mistakes - this helps them learn that you make mistakes and make it better afterwards
talk to your whānau about how you are feeling and about how you can care for your child together.
Parents that are spending more quality time on their phones than with their children are ‘missing out’ on having more precious moments with their children which helps connection and increases the bond between parent and child.
The ‘image’ of Mum and Dad on their phones - is this a problem?
Not only can too much phone time damage the early development of children, but it can hurt your relationship with your significant other as well. And children learn from their parent’s behaviour.
Have you heard of the newly invented term: Phubbing?
Verywellfamily.com says: “Phubbing is basically defined as looking at a cell phone rather than interacting with the person you are with, and research shows that it can damage your relationship with your romantic partner and may also harm your bond with your kids”.
It becomes a problem when you are looking at your messages every few minutes or so or all these moments add up to a lot of time spent on your phone.
And this article from The Independent says that; Children learn and develop their behaviour by watching others, especially their parents, and this includes screen use. Children, whose parents are distracted by their phones during such family times, can feel like they are competing for attention, which can often result in them acting out because they feel sad, angry and lonely.
Generally, and speaking in 2021, in the aftermath of the Covid 19 Pandemic, loneliness and feelings of isolation in people are on the rise. People have turned to online communities, online gaming and social media to connect with others and feel like they are not alone. But the lack of in person interaction can often make people feel empty. If children see their parents and caregivers spending too much time in front of a screen, then acting out because of the lack of attention can increase. The average screen time each day has increased significantly over the past decade with some sources like this report from We Are Social and Hootsuite stating that it’s around 7 hours per day globally.
We need to take into account the hours spent working from home into this in 2020, but even pre-pandemic the hours spent online were over six per day.
Setting a Good Example
Children model our behaviour so what are we teaching them? It is often mentioned about how when we were children there were no cell phones so we were always outside playing or our parents were fully present with us during family time. The introduction of smartphones has also encouraged this lifestyle of always being contactable – obviously this can have both a positive and negative effect.
Emergencies can be dealt with immediately and if you are the customer then having the person you need contactable 24/7 is handy but what about the other side of it when it’s a Sunday and its family time? Are we teaching children that work is a 24/7 thing? Or are we wanting to teach them to balance it out? If a child is always expecting that their parents' time with them will be cut short or constantly interrupted by the phone then they could begin to feel that they are not as important or loved enough to gain the full attention of their parents. This could create self-confidence, self-love and self-judgement issues down the line. Children could feel not good enough, not important enough, not a priority etc.
Children who feel more emotionally secure growing up are more likely to turn into emotionally secure adults and therefore more confident and able to tackle the challenges of life. We are the example and therefore we need to be a good role model.
Ipad Babies - are we raising them?
From a children’s screen time perspective, a new phrase ‘IPad Babies’ or ‘IPad Kids’ has evolved in recent times. This abc article talks more about this. Basically these are children who instead of playing with toys and going out and socialising with other children they are sitting in front of an IPad to stop them annoying their parents. Has the IPad become a better form of entertainment than playing with family members? Or is it just a fun distraction?
There are a lot of different opinions on how much screen time is too much screen time.
According to a 60 minutes Australia investigation in 2015, children may need to drastically change their screen behaviour, and parent’s need to drastically change their children’s daily screen time.
From age 0 - 3 they maybe shouldn’t have any technology
From age 3 - 6 1 hour but very supervised and controlled.
From 6 - 9 - 2 hrs but still very controlled and supervised.
What do you think about this? Is it realistic?
The art of connecting in real life. Is this being lost?
Learning to connect through social media is not the same as in person human connection. Hugs produce endorphins which make us feel good and this is a physical touch that we cannot get over the phone/computer screen. Humans are designed for connection and having 100’s of friends online is not the same as having friends in person. How do we learn to properly read each other in social situations? Or pick up on the energy of others? These are all social cues that we cannot fully pick up through online interactions.
How many times has a text message or email been misinterpreted because the person receiving it cannot read the body cues of the sender? That can then cause someone to jump to conclusions and create unnecessary drama whereas a phone call or in person meet up is better as you can read the person’s body language and get the vibe from them. Children are our future and it is wise to teach them how to interact with others in person to create better relationships for them and ultimately, our society.
Further to this lack of connection, our attention spans can be seen as getting shorter as well.
We can see this through the shortening of social media content online and it's popularity. 15 second videos through Facebook and Instagram stories and shorter TikToks are some of the most popular and most engaging social media content right now. It shows an attitude of wanting the messages, and wanting them delivered in an easy to follow and succinct way and wanting them now!
The rise of cyber-bullying and it’s sad consequences
Cyber-bullying is now a massive issue and some of this is to do with the fact that it’s easier to hide behind a screen than to say something mean to someone’s face. The sad consequences of cyber-bullying in kids and teens is that the victims can get so ashamed that it brings on depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts, ideation and suicide.
The ability for children to meet up with strangers online is now a lot easier via social media than in person which can lead to dangerous situations. Safety and etiquette online should be a must for all schools to teach.
You only have to watch some recent documentaries like The Social Dilemma (Netflix) or Childhood 2.0 (YouTube) to understand the effects of social media on young people nowadays. We now know that there is a correlation between the creation and widespread popularity of smartphones and a spike in anxiety in young people. This anxiety can be caused from teenagers feeling the pressure to look a certain way (like the A listers which creates unrealistic expectations) or worry that whatever they do might be caught on camera and posted online resulting in bullying or they are so ashamed that they get depressed, anxious or suicidal. This article from inews speaks more about this.
And in 2019 New Zealand now had the highest global rate of suicide for 15- to 19-year-olds, ranked two in the world for bullying in schools and third in the world for cyber-bullying.
And mental health issues like anxiety and depression are affecting younger and younger children.
It is very advisable that parents engage their children and teens on healthy social media practices. It is not possible to turn away from such a huge issue which pervades our lives.
Some questions to ask your children and teens:
-What do you use social media for the most?
-How does social media make you feel about yourself?
-Does your time spent on social media make you happier or sad/upset?
-Have you noticed the effects of social media on your friends? Is it positive/negative?
-Which do you prefer, hanging out with friends/family in person, or online? Which do you think is better? Which gives you the most positive feelings?
-How do you feel if you haven’t gone online or on social media for a day?
-How do you feel after spending hours online or on social media?
So, what are some solutions?
How do we get our kids to experience the outside world more and get them away from screens?
The 1000 hours outside project is an idea influenced by Charlotte Mason who was a British educator and believed children should spend four to six hours outside per day.
“The entire purpose of 1000 Hours Outside is to attempt to match nature time with screen time. If kids can consume media through screens 1200 hours a year on average then the time is there and at least some of it can and should be shifted towards a more productive and healthy outcome!”
This idea is great as it not only encourages children to spend time outside but also encourages families to spend time together. There is so much that you can learn from each other as well as from nature when you are fully engaged in that present moment. The benefits of being out and about in nature include more exercise, a boost in vitamin D which results in boosting your immune system, education (think of all the learnings that go on during a school camp), and with so many different options of things you can do outside there is no boredom.
What are your favourite things to do with your children outside?
How to overcome the Highlights Reel
Who out there hasn't felt the pressure to be the ‘perfect parent’? Comparisons to other families online, arguably do not help with this.
Another way of looking at our time spent online is the quality of it. It may not be the time spent on social networking sites which is the problem for parents, but the quality of time spent, or how the time is spent.
This pressure to look or act a certain way can affect the mothers who can place unrealistic expectations on themselves to lose the baby weight quickly or by comparing themselves to other mothers’ highlight reels. This can lead to postnatal depression and overwhelm as more and more mothers are trying to do it all by having the house cleaned, washing done, home baking done, hair and make up done as well as daily walks with their children as they see other mothers doing on their social media accounts. Consider this survey data from 721 Mothers:
“Based on survey data from 721 mothers, Sarah Coyne from Brigham Young University and her colleagues reported that mothers who more frequently compared themselves to others on social networking sites felt more depressed, more overloaded in the parental role, and less competent as parents.”
This may be especially true for new mothers whose experiences have gone differently than expected. Think about the new mother who was determined to have a natural birth but ended up having a caesarean section, or the new mother whose child was born premature or with a developmental disability.”
What we need to remember is that most people will only post the good things, (not the sleepless nights or days where they didn’t make it out of their pajamas). It can create a false sense of what motherhood is like and therefore self-judgement if a mum’s journey is not like this. Feeling like they aren’t being a good enough mum or doing a good enough job for example.
It can be so easy to mindlessly scroll through news feeds and lose track of time. And if you are tired, or it is first thing in the morning, this can worsen things. However, if you are in the right mood, social media can be energising, inspiring, entertaining and fun, plus help you to make new connections, new friends and help you feel part of a community of like-minded people.
Remembering that the more you interact with certain content, the more of that content you will see, take the power back and mute, block, delete or report content which you do not want to see, makes you feel bad about yourself or is damaging. Remember to take yourself out of that mindless state, and contribute to conversations. Forgo the like button and actually comment! Give shoutouts to friends and lift others up. This way social media can be a positive experience.
Too many notifications? Just say no.
Most smartphones have simple ways of turning off notifications. Make sure you familiarise yourself with how to do this and each time you get a notification you don’t want to see, tap ‘turn off all’. It's a good idea to go through your apps regularly and uninstall ones that you don’t use. Remember apps have built in ways to manipulate users into spending as much time on them as possible.
If the notifications are turned off then the mum is not being constantly drawn to her phone and therefore not distracted. If she is constantly checking her phone – what behaviour is this teaching her children?
It is, however, all about balance. Social media is part of our life so while we cannot avoid it, we need to be healthy about the way we use it. There are positives to social media as well, for example, it can create connections for those that have no physical connections, it can be useful for finding support with like minded people that are not in your area and you otherwise would not have met. Mothers can find this helpful if they are struggling with something that no one in their physical world can understand. It can help to build their village which is so important.
Social media and the online world are a huge part of our existence and families need to find ways of using social media and the internet in positive ways. Reducing screen time, engaging children and teens in thinking about how social media and how too much screen time affects their health, and making sure parents are setting a good example themselves all come into this. Real life connection is extremely important in the development of children and quality time and bonding time needs to be a priority.
With apps and games having powerful, built in ways of keeping people on them for as much time as possible it’s important to remember this and take some of that power back. The amount of time spent online needs to be worthwhile and positive and by informing ourselves of how these platforms work, we can learn how to not let them manipulate and take over.
We cannot turn away from the issues that social media and the online world cause as they pervade our lives and they have a huge effect in influencing the health of children, teens and parents.
Written By Sara Davy, Maternal Wellness Coach & Catherine Ockenden, Social Media Consultant
Sara Davy is a Maternal Wellness Coach and a certified Master Practitioner of Neuro- Linguistic Programming plus a Master Practitioner of Time Line Therapy and certified Hypnotherapist. She helps mamas to overcome depression and anxiety either pre or postnatally so they they can give their children the best of them. Check out her website https://thecontentedmama.co.nz/ or follow her on Facebook or Instagram
If you would like to chat more about social media and wellness or need help with social media strategy for your business then set up an initial consultation with me today.
References, Further Watching and Reading: